Tuesday, 4 December 2018

Okay.

It's okay to not be okay. It's okay to say something hurt you. It's okay to share that you're not doing great, and if people are deterred by that, well that's okay too. And after I reflected on some things all night long, it's okay to lose people in your life, especially those who decided they no longer want to be there anymore. It has made me treasure those who have decided to still be all the more. And that's way okay.

I also realized that I punish myself for anything and everything thing, even if something is not my fault or the tiniest misstep. I can forgive others, but not myself. I blame myself for everything that has gone wrong in my life, things that I have no control over...and I try to control everything too. I am trying to learn to be okay with going with the flow of life. Be okay with not being a perfect person. Be okay with the curve balls. Even being okay when things go great, because somehow I punish myself for the good things too, and feel guilty when life is easy, or I am blessed with a bout of good fortune.

It's okay.


Wednesday, 28 November 2018

I just don't know anymore.

I've spent so much time trying to become a better me, let go of what others think, trying to help others, be there, share, not seek validation...
but there are days like today.
I'm in a bout of sadness, loneliness.
The quote: Make friends with loneliness
has entered my mind in the quiet house a hundred times today.
I keep answering that voice with, we've been friends for too long already.
Then, my mind wanders to everything.
My younger years, being dismissed. Seeking friends. Wanting friendships.
Thinking I had found them, only to reveal that they weren't there.
You've probably been there too back in school.
Being told plans fell through so everyone decided to stay home, only to find out on Monday that they kept the plans, but eliminated you. Those instances happen a few times more, and I found myself alone in my room, drawing, reading, scratching designs in my leg with a pin.
Being ridiculed for never being pretty enough, athletic enough, bad hair, fat face, big butt...
Fast forward to that abusive relationship, being manipulated by him and a someone you thought was a friend, making you think you were crazy, when all along they were together. Thinking it was all your fault, even being told by a therapist, a priest - how you should have done things differently.
Life again, alone, making your way around. 
Any chances you took with people, the same cycles.
Dismissed. You're fat. You're really not attractive.
Through the years, finding blogging, social media, adventuring through life trying to find your way, your tribe. Every time you think you do, they disappear. 
Not only do you have people who completely stop talking to you, but also will say they never knew you in the first place.
Let's top that with numerous messages or comments from strangers telling you that you should kill yourself, they hope you die, you're ugly, look like a boy, need tits, must be a whore, skank...
And the cherry, real life harassment of the same, walking and minding your own business when grown ass men scream out of a window that you're a dog and start barking at you. Women and men yelling that you're a freak, or any other adolescent slur they still sling out there.

Hell, I've been dealing with this shit my whole life, plus more. If grown ass adults act like this still, and I'm 45, why are we surprised that kids are getting bullied on the net, in real life? 
Why are we surprised at the actions some of them take harming themselves, taking their own lives, attempting to. I've know far too many people in my life who have succeeded, and somehow, I'm still here.

In this world of self-love, learning to toss society's standards of beauty and acceptance, we try, and we do love ourselves more, but don't get upset when there are days that some of us just can't.
We're human. There's only so many rocks that can be thrown my way, insults, so many silences, so many heads turned when I speak, so many times to be dismissed, before I break. They break.

 So much that I don't share with anyone, so much that breaks my heart that no one knows about. So much that has damaged my soul, that I am trying to nurture back to health. So much that is locked up in me, because even when I have tried to share, talk, learn and love...I'm met with blankness.


Happiness is a choice, but there are days it's hard to make that choice in spite of all of the work we do.
And today, my heart hurts as I sit alone with that friend who has been by my side for so long.
Today, I will shed a few tears.
Tomorrow I'll be myself again.
Don't be afraid to let it out from time to time.

Today, I just don't know anymore.
Connections. Humans. Friends? Trust?




Friday, 23 November 2018

Lazy day of thanks

Yesterday was Thanksgiving, and my mom's birthday.
It was a really nice & good day. After I meditated, I called to wish her a happy birthday & turkey day. Then, I talked to my aunt, my mom's sister. After that, I spent some time taking apps off of my phone.
It seemed to me they weren't really helping me in any way. In fact, they were making me feel like a failure more than anything. With each notification of a "reminder to step on the scale," or insert the number of days "since you last logged a run...or workout," or starting again on day one of an app that counts "consecutive days of " whatever activity because I didn't follow it's design, left my phone in the car, or go in later to log whatever, I felt a lack of perfection in its standards. My failure to "commit fully." I was allowing these apps to run me and dictate how I should go about living, meditating, working out, running, walking, recording gratitude...and with each time that I forgot my phone, to make the entry, or plain just forgot or didn't feel like doing said activity, I was sent a reminder of my failure for the day.
I had this realization that I do not have to perform everything I do in complete perfection for it to work for me. Eating a cupcake, does not make me fat. Eating a piece of cheese when trying to be vegan doesn't make me a criminal. Not meditating or not writing in my journal one morning does not block my zen or path to happiness. What I had originally used as a tool for motivation and inspiration had become my worse enemy. But that's because I allowed them to, and for now, I need a break from them. I definitely do not need a little machine reminding me each day of what I haven't done, but I would like one to chime in my accomplishments. I know, you can't have it all.
After that, Mister got up and made the coffee while I got the fire in the wood stove going. We spent the morning being lazy, sipping coffee in front of the warmth and talked a bit. We talked about our visions and dreams for the future. It was fun because our courses seemed the same, even if they seem unobtainable at this moment. Although, I pointed out we can do things slow, you know, you can move a mountain one rock at a time.
And the mister in his wise judgement likes to remind me - Dreaming is Free.
The rest of the day was lazy. No huge meals. No one but the two of us and our RowdyPants.

And this morning, I woke up feeling untethered from self-imposed obligations. Thoughts about our discussions, and that phrase repeating itself in my mind over and over.

Dreaming is Free.
What excites me more is :
Dreams become reality.

Friday, 16 November 2018

Mix it up


Morning mix-up, on everything. All those experts say if you want to change your life, change what you do, so I decided to do mediation & then yoga this morning while my breakfast was baking. I am a super weirdo and love savory more than sweet. This little creation is weird but yummy.
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2/3 cup oats ground
1 tsp baking powder
1Tbsp nutritional yeast
2 Tbsp salsa (I am digging 505 sweet & spicy green salsa)
Handful baby spinach chopped thinly
Water and a few Tbsp unsweetened vanilla almond milk - you read that right
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Mix it all up and bake in an olive oil sprayed crock in a 350 degree toaster oven. Comes out line jalapeno cornbread. 


Maybe I'll try doing some yoga some mornings instead of the gym. Getting outside to run on the trails has been difficult for me since the snow melts to ice. I'm not confident enough to tackle icy trails and rocks yet. In case you didn't know, the area in which I live is dirt roads too, no sidewalks or shoulders on the paved two-lane highways. Sometimes, the treadmill at the gym just gets tedious, so if I'm not going to lift, I don't feel like getting up there...Plus, I have some free weights and other small equipment at the house. I'll figure it out eventually.

Thursday, 8 November 2018

Ch..ch...changes


Believe me, I know I have a good life. I remind myself daily that I am lucky. I try to live it to it's fullest, so I DO. From roller derby, fitness competitions, burlesque, writing & publishing indie novels...just to name a few. However, I always crave more, and right now that's my pursuit.
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Having a life that when I wake up in the morning I am ecstatic to jump out of bed over. Being surrounded by those who are just as excited about life, and we enthusiastically support each other, and grow things. *
Right now, I am not exactly sure what those "things" are though. I definitely feel a pull to do something for the better good of myself and others. You know, make the difference. I am trying to figure out how and what or mix thereof. 😜
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Animals. Art. Gardening, maybe a mini veggie farm/CSA. Cooking. Exercise, running. Adventure outdoors. Writing...Who knows, exactly. But these are the pursuits that I enjoy & make me happy, so we'll see how I will accomplish mixing them together & perhaps creating an abundant Life & income from them.
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Here we go again on another adventure, maybe 😂

Tuesday, 6 November 2018

Staycation,Vacation

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We did a staycation this week. Family came to the state, and we met with them. I decided to unplug, and almost the whole time, I left my phone in the hotel room.
I did find myself going, "Oh look at that!" and then saying, "Crap, I can't take a pic to post." That made me pause after a few times of it happening. I realized that I wasn't allowing myself to be in the moment and appreciate what I was seeing and experiencing just for myself. So I began to just stop, maybe still say, "Oh look at that!", then take a mental photograph to enjoy. *
Then, at one event, I had the exciting opportunity to meet and talk with a female bodybuilding idol of mine. Mister was kind enough to take a photo of us with his phone towards the end of our chat. When we went back to our room, he sent it to my phone. In my excitement, I shared it...later I took it down because I had this weird feeling of being one of those people who sort of brag or look for spotlight for meeting someone. I can't quite explain it.
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It's gotten me thinking that we have become so conditioned to share everything with everyone, that we are not savoring the moments for ourselves. I don't need everyone to know every single thing that happens in my life to prove my life is good when those special moments occur. Anyway, I have some lovely mental pics & a few physical ones of my vacay from social media, with a ton of connection.
I did take one picture with my phone on the morning we were leaving the hotel. And I post here because I only have like 6 readers on a free blog platform, lol, obviously not too much care for being "known."
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And Mister was in charge of the rest.
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Friday, 26 October 2018

Getting to know me more...

Hi! I thought I would start posting some bits about myself. Today will be about my author side, and how real life inspires my writing. I want everyone to have their fairy tale. I want everyone to have a fun sex life and never feel ashamed about what they enjoy. It should never feel shameful if it’s consensual and safe.
I tend to write characters with more realistic jobs, who aren’t the billionaire type. I want steam, feels, lessons, and a capturing story. I hope. I want to entertain, provoke, and intrigue.
Please feel free to ask any questions. As we go along, you’ll see I’m kind of open, crazy, wild, free, and adventurous. *points down* see, that’s me at the 2017 Naturally Naughty in NOLA signing, getting painted up by the phenomenal Angela Roberts from Skin Wars. Then, I sat and signed like that the whole day, LOL.
Besides that, I’ve was a burlesque performer for years, a roller derby referee, a bartender in the Quarter, spent a semester in Madrid, Spain (alone) studying Literature, have studied respiratory therapy and cardiopulmonary technology, for a while wrote for a music zine (and even edited for for a short period) interviewing bands, reviewing music, competed in amateur bodybuilding and fitness competitions…well, you get the idea.
So, please join me.
Be free. Live. Laugh. Love.
JLE