Monday, 13 August 2018


I seriously cannot take people anymore. No, let me clarify that. It's the people on social media who take a comment completely out of context and want to argue with you even after you repeatedly say, "Never in my comment was that mentioned or implied."
Yet, they harp on you about something you never said or implied.

Don't do that with me because I will shut you down on after on your "facts" obtained from Google even though it was not a part of my statement to begin with. And definitely do not tell me something "never" happened because I will post you pictures of those "Nevers" that did occur before you were born.

I will then, after being disappointed in myself, try to end arguments by saying I concede because your perception of reality is obviously different from my perception of events. But, nope, even more people will chime in...not reading what was originally said in the first place.

Gotta love modern day of "hear" what you want to even when it is printed in black and white that it was not what I said.
And the sad part it was about something as trivial as books.

Honestly, I am drained.

I'm not owed it, but no one ever backs me up when I have spent years supporting and backing up others in confrontation. It's disheartening and shows how people really feel about me.

I need to back away again from it all. I don't belong.

I am cancelling on my signings next year. Let someone go who can play these games, beg for attention, and kiss ass. I can't do it.

It doesn't help that I have lost more people in my life whom I was real life friends with. Just cut off. Quit responding to me completely. No explanation. Nothing. I guess this is what the kids call ghosted.

I kind of give up, maybe why running has become more appealing in life again. You need no one for that. Hiking either. Just get up, go, and get lost. Run away from it all for a little while.

That's reality.

Wednesday, 8 August 2018

If you live in fear, you're never really living.

I've dealt with anxiety and, let's call them, dark episodes for most of my existence.
If you've known me any length of time, you also know that I do crazy shit.
I do stupid shit.
I do things most people wouldn't try.
It helps me break from my shell.
Scares me to know that I'm alive, and many times, brings me new joy.

Side note: I've run off an on, more times consistently, many times not, since I was in my 20's. I used to run a competitive 5k or 10k every weekend.
Many of those years, it was runs at night time. Late at night most times. Alone.
I ran in rural areas. I ran in urban areas. I ran in New Orleans when there were years of a death or more a night. 
Today, I posted little clips from part of my and RDog's short trail run.
Suddenly, people seemed concerned for my safety of "if I was running alone."
Honestly, it made me pause.

No one gave a shit when I was running alone at night any other time.
Yet, here I was in broad daylight jogging...I also gave no indication if I was alone or had another person with me around, nor did I post what trails I was near.
People just assumed, then assumed the worst that could happen to a woman alone.
My mind immediately flew to the many women whom I admire and follow who trail run alone.
Hike alone.
Spend 36 hours straight running through the night in the woods.
Sleep alone in a bag in a forest.
Hikers who decide to go on a lonely journey to find themselves.
Even beyond that, the journeys I have taken by myself.
Wandering through foreign countries alone.
Hiking alone.
Many more that I have on my bucket list, which may be taken with my partner, or I may just buck out on my own.
I think of all of the things I have tried, done, been exposed to, been forced to do, that "women shouldn't do or attempt." 
I think of the situations that where my life has flashed before my eyes, not knowing what would come next.

Yet, I keep pursuing activities that make my heart sing.

I appreciate the concern. I appreciate the feedback. I appreciate the warnings.
But then it makes me wonder if people think I never consider consequences.
If I never take precautions.
Trust me, I am cautious, however, I have more issues with a bear or a mountain lion than another human...and if that end does come by the hands of one of my own, then, what ya gonna do?

I mean, look at what happened at the Boston Marathon with thousands of people.
Look at what happens in public places with crowds.

If something is going to happen, you're screwed either way.

I hear ya.
I know.
I've thought about it.
I can't obsess over those thoughts, otherwise, I'm never going to leave my house without waiting for another person so that I can go do what I want to do.
What kind of life would that be?
I go do stupid shit, no, I do things other people may think is dumb, - knowing full well what the list of consequences could be.
And, I live.

Friday, 13 July 2018

Friday update

I'm back at 122.8.
I'm slowly getting some "like" back and motivation.
I like going out walking at the parks and doing little jog/walks, even if I have to do them on the treadmill. Lifting has been minimal, if at all.
My mindset right now is to do what gives me joy so that I'll keep doing it.

I've pretty much been doing a green shake every morning except on the weekends.
I mix up what I throw into the shakes.
This week has been mostly, a frozen banana, baby kale and spinach, some cucumber with the peel, a chunk of ginger root, powdered tumeric, lime juice, water, and a handful of one of these fruits:
golden kiwi, strawberries, raspberries, pineapple.

I made a sticky rice with pineapple, coconut milk, jalapeno and some seasonings.
I had mixed it with some kidney beans and Sriracha.

There's usually a salad thrown in during the day.
And I have had everything thrown in from summer rolls from the Natural Grocer, a vegan jerky stick, nuts, guac and tortilla chips (made with quinoa and chia), raw veggies, dates, whatever I grab. I'm just trying to make sure that it contains more whole foods, veggies and fruit. Obviously, my prepping is not back to normal yet.
But something has changed. I don't know if it's the green smoothies every morning, or just the increase in general of greens and fruit, but let's just say that my 💩 numbers have increased bunches. So, I'm definitely expelling more 😂
Maybe this just proves how full of shit I've been!

Oh! But I did experiment to replicate Beyond Meat burgers. I mean, I love them, but they are $6.99 for two patties here. I have to say, these came out tasting great, well the raw batter that I made. I haven't cooked one yet.

So, I'm still experimenting but I used.
About 1 cup of grated roasted beets
1/4 cup oats
1 cup steamed brown rice
Sauteed mushrooms
3/4 cup Kidney Beans
Nutritional Yeast
Garlic Powder
Liquid Smoke

I eyeballed, so not sure on the spices.
I don't have a food processor, so after I mixed the ingredients in a bowl, I put it in small batches into my 15+ year old blender. Then I separated them into balls and flattened them between wax paper.
Threw them in a ziploc bag and have them in the freezer.
Like I said, I tasted from the spoon and the mix was super tasty. So, now the test will be when I cook one up.

And we have this.
It's not pretty, but we have ground squirrels that eat EVERYTHING.
I tried coating everything with cayenne. Made a spray with every pepper.
Put hair in the regular gardens, egg shells, whatever anyone recommended.
Didn't work. Those buggers ate everything to the ground.
I even dug a trench, and put that metal hardcloth into the ground, making a fence and adding wire to the top. Little effers still got into the garden.
So, we got livestock troughs and put the fencing around them.
I really didn't want them right in the front yard, but it is convenient.

And I can walk right outside from the kitchen and have things like this.

Sooner or later, we'll figure out the rest of the 1.18 acre situation of rock and decomposed granite.
Just part of the dream. =) 

Thursday, 5 July 2018

I'm so not zen...

Yeah, I haven't found it yet.
Or rather, I have many moments of zen, but then there are times that just piss me off and I flip my lid.
It happened yesterday.
I made the mistake of getting on Facebook.
You would think I would have learned by now.

By the way new folks, I live in Colorado.
We've been super dry, which means fires start easily, especially in the area where I live.
We're not the only ones with multiple wildfires at the moment. Unfortunately, California, Arizona, Utah, Wyoming and more join us in this.
The past month there have been fires sprouting up everyday. A few have been even less than ten miles from our home. Luckily, those were caught small and contained within the day.
Right now one of the closest is about 50 miles south of us. There's another north too.
Yet the reminder is there because the sky is sometimes hazy, and there's a definite smoke smell in the air.
They are out of control right now, with less than 10% contained and this one is 10,000 acres last I heard. So of course, there are fire bans in place.
Yet, there are still idiots that throw their lit cigarettes out of their windows causing fires on the sides of the highway. Peopled still having camp fires, shooting fireworks, doing all of the things that the counties have asked us not to do because it's freaking dangerous.
Being idiots.
All in the meantime, people are losing their homes. Animals are freaked out and losing their home.
Firefighters are tirelessly working and putting their lives on the line.
It seriously breaks my heart.

And because I am not zen and still working on detachment, all of the trivial shit that people whine and complain about on social media, sets me off.
So yes, I posted about it.
I know I'm no better doing that.
But somehow, it made me feel better.
Maybe I just don't understand because I don't think your nail job or hair not coming out how you wanted is a real issue, especially one to make 10 posts about. Or the store being out of your favorite ice cream or whatever other little thing that these people post over and over and over...usually followed with "FML" know because life is destroyed over their first world complaints.

Like I said, I'm no better but I felt like pointing to the above, those people, the animals, the people fighting the fires, maybe people would stop a minute and realize that their problems aren't that big in the grand scheme of life.
But, I feel like a majority of people have lost any concept of humanity lately, or that petty inconveniances aren't necessarily the end of the world, or that they don't have to post nothing but whining and bitching everyday.
Maybe they should get out and live life...
in the real world for a while.
It seems people need to take issue with everything and find some way to take affront to any situation so that they can play victim.

Okay, thank you for allowing me to get that off my chest.
And be a hypocrite for a moment.
But part of this journey for me is getting my head and body back together again.

Now, for a quick update which is, I blew it the rest of last week and yesterday.
I said fuck it.
I didn't make my activity or food a priority after I finished my prepped meals.
I used my work schedule as an excuse to not get in exercise or reprep meals.
And I know it.
So, I'm basically back up to the starting weight again.

I'm trying to dig deep to find that passion again.
When I was deep into fitness from 2011 until the end of 2014, I was my happiest.
I remember being so fucking happy and stoked every day.
The past three years, I have slowly spiraled back down into this black void.
I've spent the past year trying to crawl back up to the edge to see the light again.
I want that joy again.
I want to love something again, life, myself.
So, I'll get there eventually.

I'm sure I'll discover new routines and exercises that make me love the process again.

So, here's to next check in. I hope to have a better post with some fun back in it.

Wednesday, 27 June 2018

Update and some random thoughts at the end.

I thought I would share some numbers to go with the last post.
I'm 5' 3/4" tall.
Starting weight on Monday was 124.4 pounds.
Monday, the Rdog and me went to the park and walked along some trails for about 38 minutes at sunrise, just a little bit over 2 miles.
There was a smoothie for breakfast:
1 bananna, some pineapple, (I keep these from fresh and in the freezer) and a handful of spinach with water.
Then there was a salad.
Part of a Taylor Farms Chopped Southwest Salad mix with added grape tomatos, cucumber, and some plain black beans.
Then for lunch there was this mix.
1/2 cup brown rice, frozen broccoli cuts, 1/2 cup chickpeas, 2 tablespoons of Thai Coconut Curry sauce and my favoritie! Sriracha!
I didn't take pictures of my two snacks or dinner which was 
about 1/4 cup of mixed nuts and then 2 tablespoons of hummus with some rainbow baby carrots and sugar snap peas.
Dinner was a whole grain tortilla topped with spinach leaves, organic refried beans, 2 sweet peppers, diced cremini mushrooms, diced grape tomatoes, a slice of veggie cheese toasted and topped with 1/4 avocoado.
I had coffee, water, unsweetened tea throughout the day, and a bottle of Kombucha in the evening.

Tuesday, Rdog and me headed to the gym where I did 20 minutes of legs (see below) and some abs, then 30 minutes jogging on the treadmill.

Breakfast was another smoothie with 
1 banana, some chopped pear, a little kiwi,(all of these chopped in the freezer) a handful of spinach and water.

The next two meals were the same because I had prepped two of each on Sunday.
Although the bag of salad says it's 3.5 servings, I split it into two servings.
For dinner, I made 1.5 oz (dry) of angel hair pasta mixed with spinach, mushrooms, peppers and a 1/2 cup of a truffle marinara sauce.
Snacks were 1/4 cup of mixed nuts, and there were 2 squares of chocolate.
Drinks throughout the day were water, coffee, green tea, and a 1/2 bottle of kombucha.

I normally only weigh myself on Friday, but out of curiousity I stepped on the scale this morning.
I weighed in at 122.8#. So, look, almost 2 pounds in 2 days.
And I am eating high carbs, and fruit and beans and rice and pasta...
I'm just eating healthier.

The leg workout:
Leg Press (Machine) 1x100@100lbs
Seated Leg Extension 4x10@15lbs
Seated Leg Curls 4x10@40lbs
Roman Chair Twists 4x10
Seated Calf Raises 4x20@35#
Abductor Machine 4x25@30#

Now, I have to wing meals today because I only prepped for two days.
Let's see what happens on Friday monring.
I have been pondering thought processes and patterns.
Like, when did we lose the belief in magic and faith that anything is possible?
We were so eager and enthusiatic when we were young when we believed in miracles and magic.
Then, it's pounded into our heads to become grounded in reality.
The twinkling and sparkle all of a sudden smashed to dust.
You are given a proposed process to become a responsible adult.
Expectations are placed on us.
Paths and responsiblities, programs, ingrained into our being of how life is supposed to be lived.
Go  to college/school; get a job; buy a house; start a family...
but sometimes that path really isn't for us.
We feel it too, but it's become such a normal aspect of what is expected - what is the social norm that we ignore that is just feels wrong for us.
We've allowed other people's perceptions to reform everything that we "should" be, and we've lost sight of the enthusiasm and magic.
This is one of my new goals, believing and finding the magic in my life again.
I haven't figured out exactly how, but I'm going to find a way to do it and have those little miracles happen again and wishes that come true.

Sunday, 24 June 2018

Here we go - putting my money where my mouth is

Here we go!
If you found me through FB or IG, this is sort of a reposting.
I will share what I am eating, probably mostly plant based, and what type of activity I am doing. I will share resources that I use and find.
I will do progress pics. 
I will share coaches and athletes whom I know and respect.
There will be no excuses.
I will own my choices.
There will be no teas, wraps, pills, fad diets, or quick solutions, or magic...just healthy whole foods, and activities. 

This is where I was five years ago.

This is where I am at the moment.

Starting thick.
There have been lots of fries, chips, and cheeses. 
And cocktails, although I have cut that back from a nightly thing to once or twice a week, and even thinking of cutting them out all together. 

I thought I would give some background to new folks, and even a few things that I've not disclosed to regulars. I'm 45.
I have had hypothyroidism for god knows how long.
I have not taken medication for it in years.
I've undergone numerous female surgeries.
When I was in my early 20's, it was found that I had a uterine septum and endometriosis.
I had surgery to remove the wall in my uterus and remove the endometriosis.
Over many years and three miscarriages, I had surgeries to remove fibroids.
Then, it was discovered that on top of the fibroids, I also had adenomysosis.
I saw fertility doctors, endocrinologists, etc.
When push came to shove, my OB/GYN, sent me to a specialist who is known for his work in oncology, and specialized equipment to treat different disorders, and...hysterectomies.
The day that I met with this specialist, who is one of the top 10 in the nation, he came up from between my legs and said, "You're going in the hospital next week. All of this has to come out now."
I was scared. He hinted that cancer was not out of the realm of possibility.
He is a genius with the DaVinci robotics.

Unfortunately, he tried to remove everything through the vagina. No Go.
Tried the tiny incisions. Didn't work.
Finally, he had to just cut me open, and ran just below the line used for my previous fibroid surgeries.
He said my uterus was one of the largest he had ever seen.
One of my ovaries was also removed, and I was fortunate to be left with my other which means I did not suffer crazy hormonal changes.
I went into this surgery a few months after the last time I competed in 2014.
I was in good shape, so my recovery went well.
However, afterwards, I fought it for a long time pretending that I was okay with the whole situation, but I wasn't. It was hard for me to deal with the fact  that chances were completely gone, and that I was such a dud.
I've always used food to feed my emotions, and some booze too.
Now, a few years later, I have been dealing with it and have closure and feel reconciled with the whole situation.
Hey! Let me tell you how wonderful it is not to bleed for 12 to 20 days a month, or stand up in a restaurant and feel a gush where blood flows like a busted can through your clothes. 
THAT is amazing. I do not miss any of that.

And, yes, I have a job. I have a home that requires work to upkeep. I have a husband and critters.
I write novels too, but have neglected to make time or that a priority at the moment.

I still have issues that I am dealing with, and I still use those negative tools to drown them out. However, like I pointed out to others:
Excuses are used when we don't want to take responsiblity for our choices.
And those three fingers pointing back at me tell me I use them too.
And here's the beauty, I recognize it and choose to make different decisions.

So here I am now.
I've not been the kindest to my mind or my body.
Will I compete again?
I won't say never, but probably not.
However, I still want to take care of myself, and have a banging body - even if I can't help my face.
I cannot deny how good I felt in the past, and I want to feel that once again.

There it is, all out on the table for you.
Every excuse in the book, but I'm not using them as a reason for this.
Nope. I made decisions to make bad choices. You did too probably.
Let's stop doing that.
I'm starting thick, now let's just make it sexy.

Thursday, 31 May 2018

Sometimes, it's nice to have a reminder

Sometimes, it’s nice to have the reminder pop up.
Living proof that you can achieve anything you dream of in life. I have now penned four novels. I took a crack at roller derby & found I made a better referee. I spent seven years in the glittery fun of burlesque. In 2011 I began pursing fitness, and though I have only competed a few times, it has made a huge impact on me. So when I forget and become disappointed in the pace in which I achieve goals, I remind myself that no matter what it is, it will come – because it always has.