Monday, 15 October 2018

The electric blanket, flannel sheets, and two extra blankets were so freaking cozy this morning, combined with fur muffin cuddled up next to me, I regretted sticking my face out into the icy air to ask the Mister to message me when he made it to work.
The snow  Ihad ended, but it was single digits this morning, and who knows what the roads would be like depending on how CDOT had responded.
I don't know how he gets up, showers, makes the coffee, and gets ready this time of year. It takes all my effort to jump out and put on the thick robe over my flannel PJ's, but I always do just shortly after he leaves around five in the morning. And my day begins.
It's been probably two weeks since I ran or went to the gym. In my head I am always thinking "You need the right plan. Let's work on that today."
Then, this morning something struck me. Well lots of things. We are so bombarded with media, images, speeches by fit people (many with no training or education) all day long about what they say we should look like. Debates over the "right" diet or workout routine. Perfection in everything we do. Maintain so much discipline that the joy is lost in the journey and race to an end result. Sometimes the race and pressure to perform quickly and on point, in beast mode, every day that it just becomes a miserable chore.
So for one, I decided to just get dressed and go to the gym. I would decide what I felt like doing when I got there...which turned out to be jogging on the treadmill while watching "Little Women of LA."
Two, I didn't eat anything before I went because quite frankly, I have not been hungry in the mornings for the past few months until around 10 am. When I have been forcing myself to eat anything, then try to workout, be it running or lifting, I feel like shit.
The thing was after I had decided these two tiny factors, I didn't feel a dread of going to the gym without either food or a plan. That's part of the battle.
Deprogramming that I must follow one of the current trends of food plans, all of which seem to eliminate something, and I must work out in a specific style.
I just want to enjoy the gym again. I want to eat without feeling guilty because this person preaches the potato is evil or that person says you can't eat fruit, but you are okay to wrap a burger in pork crackling and deep fry it.
Nope. Not going to do it. Not stressing out over the minutia, the hype, the peer pressure.
So today I jogged, slow as shit, and afterwards I looked forward to doing it again.
That's all I want right now.

Tuesday, 9 October 2018

PJ's are my life.

Right now, I'm on a roll.
Let's see how long I can go not getting out of comfy jammy jams and not leaving the house. So far out of the past week, it's been four days!
I kind of want a high five for that.
Part of me says I shouldn't be so happy about that. The other part said eff you to the aforementioned, and feels absolutely no shame. Hell, one of the perks of working from home!
The funny part is that I have been in a pretty stellar mood, so it's not even a depressd gloomy thing.
I just have this newly found deep appreciation for the coziness, and comfort of the pj life...especially flannel.
The down side is my ass is not getting any tighter not hitting trails or the gym.
Eh, I'll figure out the balance sooner or later.

Friday, 28 September 2018

Memories, desires, pictures, ramblings

A memory popped up today on Facebook, from nine years ago.

"I just want to backpack around the US and see the whole freaking country by foot. Weird, I know, but if it weren't, it just wouldn't be me."

This desire still rings true. The wanderlust has never left me, which is probably why I enjoy camping, hiking, climbing, splashing around.

The past few weeks, I have been pondering happiness. Everything always comes to "make lists of what made you happiest." I kid you not that my head hurts when I think on it. There have been many things that I was happy doing, for periods, and as I think about all of those creative endeavors, a veil of sadness falls over them. Why? Once there are schedules, deadlines, restrictions, and all of a sudden "rules" imparted by increasingly involved parties, everything loses its luster to me.

I feel like I have lost all of my creativeness. I no longer draw, paint, sketch, sew, write...because so many people have whispered their ever differing "critiques" of how they would have done it, how my work differs so much from mainstream, not accepted, blah, blah, blah...just another reason why I have sort of drawn myself away from everyone. I was allowing it all to become a part of me, devalue my self-worth. I felt guilt and shame over not "conforming" in my artistic expressions, and when I did try to mold myself more into that, I felt boxed in and suffocated. That's not the way anyone should feel. So, I had to distance myself to find myself again.

However, calm always comes over me in nature, walking, sucked into the green, blues, browns, golds, oranges, every flipping color imaginable, texture, sounds. I want to drown in it. I want to experience it all. The pupper and myself just glow and laugh and enjoy the jogs, hikes. Hubs does too when he's available.

And it all floods back, the yearning to pack it up and go. Pull out maps and track paths. Take pictures (Polaroids?), sketch, write. Become a sort of modern day female Thoreau, Emerson, Audubon, even.
Perhaps even talk to people along the way, learn their stories and life journeys, record them?
I wrack my brain coming up with schemes of how I could swing it, even how it could happen with mister with me.

Ah, the dream...the dream because it's not possible to drop it all, income, security, comfort, and make it happen right now.

But oh how it would be an adventure.

So, for now, I will take the little adventures when I can.

And maybe, just maybe, somehow, the dream will happen, and I'll blog it all, LOL

By the way, that's an amusement park with roller coasters on the side the flipping mountain! 

And me repping bright ass hair, cuz I don't care what anyone thinks. It makes me super happy at the moment. 


Wednesday, 19 September 2018


I provide links, however, I receive no compensation and am not a part of any affiliate program. I will try to provide free resources when I can.

I decided to do a reset, cleanse, detox, if you will. No, it is of one of those fad juice diets, although food will be involved. Uncovering and living authentically. Wading through the negative thoughts and realizing they are not real. Forming this thing that I want to be, and pulling my insides out.

I am definitely NOT a religious person, but I have always been spiritual in a way. As you may have followed along over the past couple of years, I have been spending more time delving into that. The soul using a skin sack vehicle, if you will. I have indulged in more epic reads, documentaries, and resources that have been opening my eyes more to creating our own reality, and actually understanding it more.

One of my first steps is this reset. I've committed to 30 days to self-love, self-care, cognitive choices with my health and well-being, and pulling out that person I envision and feel inside - my authentic, happy me. 😊

One of the first things I did was go back to colored hair. Not just changing of a shade, but vibrant, bright, crayola hair. I usually do it and then change it back after a month. So far, it's been almost four weeks, so I bought more color and committed to pink this time. It was originally purple, but as it has faded, I'm kind of digging the pinkish hue. You see, I've always allowed other people's opinions to affect me. This time, yes, I have received a negative comment here and there, but I keep repeating to myself that, Other peoples' opinions are none of my business. It's really helped. And this:

Who did you admire when you were young? People who didn't give an eff what others thought. People who lived their authentic self. 
For me, it was Cyndi Lauper, Prince, Madonna, Elton John, Freddie Mercury, and countless others. 
Embrace that. Let your insides show. People will appreciate it. I promise they will.
For every negative remark about your outward appearance, your expression and fun you, there will be ten more loving it. 
I experienced it this past week. Yes, I had a few hateful comments, but for the most part, I made people happy.
And what was even better? I am happy.
I want to look like cotton candy and gummy bears, covered in colorful flowers, bow, and barrets? Great! Most people smile.
For those who don' worries. They may be uptight or just have a different view... And their opinion of me is none of my business, even if they yell it at me... Won't affect my mood. I know my worth, my employment, my education, and more.

This has been on repeat in my head.  As I mentioned a few other resources have been helping back those thoughts up too.

This documentary is similar to What the Bleep Do We Know and The Secret.
However, it delved deeper into mood and food, meditation, exercise, general well-being, and the namesake, emotions.

I found it quite informative and uplifting. 
The experts also gave me more information on how to reframe my thoughts.
I loved that H'oponopono was brought up, which has come up in several books and audiobooks that I have read this year.
I was able to find it for download from my library's digital catalog, and it was also available on Amazon Prime as I post this.

Then this excerpt was in a book that I finished a while ago. I have to go back and find which book it came from. I just remembered the words and googled it for this passage.
It's poignant because many will scoff at this, reflecting on their past trauma, knowing that it was the cause of their pain, suffering, fears for the future.
I really need to find it because the author went into detail about how his clients get really enraged at him for teaching this premise, then he tells them that he understands because he was raped when he was six years old and continues to tell them his past. Yet, this teaching helps to put the past in the past and move forward. It's something I am finding difficult, however, the words rear their ugly head in my mind daily, and I find myself telling myself that most of us have been abused, molested, assaulted, almost killed by someone, ourselves, and there are these people that are able to move past it and see the future in a positive light. 
I'm working on it.
I know I am not doing a great job of explaining the premise, but it made a light bulb turn on inside of me. 

Tuesday, 4 September 2018

So it begins, deactivating in order to connect.

We know I talk about it all of the time, but today I took the first step. I deactivated my Twitter account.
I was holding onto it like a favorite pair of socks that are threadbare, and just, useless. So, I decided to let go, and it feels wonderful. One tiny step at a time.
For one, it's an ineffective tool for me in what I originally wanted as promotion for my projects and writing. I was holding out hope that one day the tide would turn and it would work for me, but maybe I just don't know how to "work it," and that's okay too.
MeWe is next.
Then there is Facebook, however, I have a project with an obligation there and won't disappear without fulfilling it. After that, I may also bury that as well.
I think that the signs are there for me. I have come across so many articles and quotes in books that are pushing me further.
I crave connection, and that isn't happening for me. Don't get me wrong, there have been a few, and those people I connect with outside of Facebook. The rest? Well, after a while, true colors show...and agendas.

This morning, this post on RootSimple came up on my reading list, and it gave me the incentive to take the first step. I feel just this way...Why am I looking at cute dog videos, when I have an adorable mutt right in front of me? Why do I care that so many folks on Facebook lie, stir the pot, bully, ignore, play games... And I fall for it? I don't want that, in any part of my life.

I want real connection.
I also want simple. I want to create art, food, books, adventures, runs, and share with those who may be interested without constantly peddling myself. I just want to share, and not feel the prodding to do more to be seen, to become relevant - in some unknown way. Whatever that is.

So, here I am taking steps.

Because I'm not going to disappear.
I'm going to live.
I'm going to spread joy.
I'm going to connect.

Tuesday, 28 August 2018

I so want to ditch digital...and some epic reads.

Especially when I wake up to the mighty mogul Amazon having closed Createspace.
In and of itself, it's not a big deal if I choose to self-publish more in the future. I will just use another site - if they don't get swallowed up by Amazon too. However, all of my previous paperbacks are affected. I either have to go to Amazon and recreate them all and redo all of the covers with their specialized program and spend more money buying ISBN numbers through them or their suggested partners (since Createspace assigned ones are not going to be valid), or I can allow them to do it and the covers will be all whacked out. I guess it doesn't matter since I don't really sell paperbacks anyway.
I am debating trying another service I use that does broad distribution and trying to redo my books with them,(the paperbacks) since I am beginning to hate Amazon and their slimy grips.

But right now, I don't want to deal with it because I was in a stellar mood before all of these emails, messages, and such slapped me in the face as soon as I walked back in my door this morning.

The past few days, I had been thinking about starting a "Ditch Digital" or "Walk Away from the Web" campaign.
Seriously, I do want to so ir.
Not 100%, because it's become so freaking essential in our lives now days for employment, information, contacts, which by the way, I find so disheartening.
However, I have found that I have been a thousand times happier not getting on it during the day.
Yeah, call me a hippie. Call me a infatuated with the past, a nostalgia junkie, but I definitely was not as stressed and riddled with anxiety before this explosion of cyberspace.
Now, I don't want to be a hypocrite because the invention of ebooks, audiobooks, pinterest...well, amazing!
I'm just thinking that we all let too much time looking at other people's lives, reading their complaints, arguments, ill-informed opinions, berating of people, pictures taken without consent and mocked, bullying, bragging, comparing...
Ugh, it's exhausting!
And no matter how confident you are, the day in, day out of it will take a toll on your psyche.
And I'll just toss it out there, I have an addictive personality. And Facebook was becoming all consuming and wearing on my self-esteem, my confidence, my attitude.
We won't go into my other issues here yet, lol, but I'm working on all of them.
And I have pointed out before that I have struggled with malaise and anxiety, so it's no surprise that I probably become more affected than most by cyberspace toxicity.

This leads me to two epic reads.
I have become so entranced with running again, but not like I used to for treadmill and road races, but trail running. Of course, I like looking at IG profiles showing these folks and the terrains and beauty they post. So, I decided to browse some books at the library on running, trail running, ultras, etc.
I've been reading some, one more clinical, one more of a memoir but intriguing.
(P.s. any links have no affiliation with me. I get nada if you decided to purchase any of the books/products in this post)

I'll start with the fun one!
(Yes, I've mentioned her before...I think, LOL)
Catra is a famous woman ultra runner, who has crushed records left and right. Plus, she runs with her four-legged companion Truman.
She's a colorful character, tattooed & pierced, 53, vegan, and a recovering addict.
I love a gritty nonfiction memoir. Following her, her recovery and her path to running 100 and 200 mile ultramarathons and the struggles and triumphs only inspired me more.

I keep bugging husband that we should sign up for the Estes Epic next year, but only for the 14 mile trail run, not that ultra, no way, not in me yet. He runs well anyway. It's me working my way back up again. 

Next is the more clinical, but filled with people's personal stories too.

Running is My Therapy (Relieve Stress and Anxiety, Fight Depression, Ditch Bad Habits, and Live Happier) by Scott Douglas delved into biology, psychology, anatomy/physiology, studies, and other people's struggles with it all. (This link is to an article in RunnerWorld that Douglas wrote about the book. He is also a writer, and I believe, editor at the publication. 
I highlighted so much in the book, but this part really caught my attention.

"Of course, many of us feel more connected than ever, thanks to social media and other digital ways of staying in touch. But there's increasing evidence that these ties are no substitute for person interaction. A now-famous study found that, over two weeks, the more people used Facebook, the worse they subsequently felt, and the more their satisfaction  with their lives declined over time. These findings did not happen in regard to the subject's direct social interactions. University of Pittsburg researchers have found that, among young adults, the ones who spent the most time on social media had significantly higher odds of being depressed. 
(Chapter 11: Running and a Healthy Lifestyle)

There's so much more to it, including maximum time usages and the minimal where the effects are not big.
Either way, I do believe that we've become reliant on that as a way to form "community" and "contact" instead of right in our own neighborhoods.
Like I mentioned before, as I spend more time watering and nurturing the lawn in front of me, those people and myself grow closer and happier. 
I would love to have connections to run with, meditate with, hike with, eat with, and more, rather than post pictures of my plate, my runs, whatever.

Also find me on I'm still debating transitioning there.

Friday, 24 August 2018

This really isn't a sad post.

Isn't it funny?
I've spent so much of my life, so many years, trying to find a purpose in my life.
Wanting to make a difference in some way, even a teeny one.
I've always wanted to make people happy, feel, laugh. That's probably evident in my past:
Burlesque, Roller Derby, Bakery, Fitness, Novels, even the stupid Happiness Cafe group I have on Facebook, meant for inspiration and daily quotes...
Sure, I admit it has in part been for validation of my self-worth, acceptance by others, but it's also been about finding some sort of community, my tribe, where I made a difference in other people's lives and was able to offer something of value to them.
I've always wanted to provide hope to people because I've know what it's like to feel the dark chasm of hopelessness.

For a very brief period, it seems like I had found my place. Then, everyone seems to drift away.
I have lost my creativity, not completely, just in the ways I've been producing it.
There are short bursts, seconds of glimpses of an idea.
Then, poof, gone.

Maybe I have been chasing some purpose that really isn't mine.

Lately, I have been stopping, taking breathes, paying attention to the moment I am in a few times daily the past two weeks.

All of a sudden, all of that hippie hooey I have been immersing myself in made sense.
In these brief instances, I feel joy.
Taking five minutes to sit and watch the birds come eat. The ground squirrels, who is still my nemesis in battle of my plants, still gives me giggles with their crazy antics. The quick scent of the wild flowers. The breeze hinting at fall about to turn. Really paying attention to whomever is around me, in real life.
I forget all of my futile striving for I don't even know what anymore.
Instead, I've taken to painting the house insane colors. Looking for fabrics that are tacky to most. Helping the husband put in windows in the slots that were only screens on a back porch. Scheming what them to make that and envisioning being able to sit out there and drink coffee, tea, hot chocolate in the winters. Make plans for if we ever made the big bucks to have a hot tub that we can run out to in the snow. Fences and gardens, fruits and vegetables, saving doggies, and swinging under the trees.
A house of whimsy and whacky, but fun and happy, bohemian and full of curiosities.

Perhaps, I'm not meant to "help" other people, or entertain them.
When I sit and do a future you meditation, I see me: wild colored hair, smiling, laughing, surrounded by a handful of people with no faces so far, flowers blooming all over (I've finally found a way to beat the critters?), serving food that I cooked, maybe even grown...

This morning, I woke up with my face breaking out like a teenager, not wanting to get out of my bed or pajamas. I just wanted to look at pretty pictures, pretty food, pet my dog, stay in bed and drink coffee. Luckily, I can do that because laptops, and working remotely!
And I realized it's okay to feel that way.
It's okay that now I like to go out for hikes, working my running speeds, endurance, and distances back up from years of just walking, experimenting with food, planning gardens, working on our home, not forcing myself to do a weight-lifting routine every day or even more than three times a week, turning off my cellphone around 6:30 every night and reading or watching a movie, getting interested again in crafting, flipping through countless cookbooks, dying my hair any color of the rainbow...
I'm not going to put pressure on myself to pursue some unknown "purpose," or feel awful about myself because most people don't want my help or self...Maybe I just don't know how to supply that to others.
I'm stopping constantly being in search of that "side hustle" that never works out anyway.

I have this vision of my future, and it makes my heart happy.
I wrote myself a letter two years into the future describing it in detail.
I have no idea how I'm going to get there.
I can't stress about trying to find the exact way or path.
I'm just going to throw it out there and know that it will work itself out.

I'm going to keep finding moments of happiness. String them together. Let pieces fall into place. Not resist the changes. Fight the fear of the shifts that will and are occurring.
Open myself to what is in store for me.
Which I have no doubt will be great for me, my family, friends, and life.
Day by day creating my own future by being happy and grateful.